Managing Pre-Pregnancy Challenges
Trying to become pregnant and going through fertility treatments can be one of the most difficult struggles individuals and couples face in life. Whether you personally struggle with infertility or you know someone who is struggling, the resources available here will provide hope in the ability to manage and cope with infertility.
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Tips for Coping with Infertility
Be Kind to Yourself
The first rule for coping with pre-pregnancy blues is to be kind to yourself. This can sound cliché at times, but it is important for you to take care of yourself so that you can cope with associated stress, future treatments, and even the pregnancy that may occur as a result of those treatments. Be sure to maintain regular sleep and eating schedules. Find ways to enjoy yourself such as trying a new hobby or treating yourself to little “pick-me-ups” like a manicure, a favorite sweet indulgence, a date night with your partner, or the new novel you’ve been dying to read.
Let Go of Blame and Guilt
Remember that being infertile is not your fault. You did not plan to be infertile nor are you being punished by a higher entity for some perceived bad deed. Infertility is a medical issue that you are trying your best to treat, and blaming yourself only leads to a whole host of other emotions that add to your stress level. Guilt is one emotion that goes hand in hand with blame. Blame and guilt both require that you waste lots of precious time beating yourself up when you really need that time to nurture yourself so that your body and mind can function optimally. The physical and emotional rigors of infertility require lots of your energy that may not be available as long as blame and guilt are taking up residence within you. If blame and guilt are overwhelming for you, seeking the help of a support group or therapist can help you to temper or even overcome these wasted emotions.
Reduce Your Stress Level
Without a doubt, infertility IS stressful. It is also a double-edged sword in that it is most difficult to avoid the stress associated with infertility, yet research shows that stress can have a negative effect on the body. The bottom line is that while undergoing infertility treatments, you’ll need your body to perform to the best of its ability. Engaging in relaxation techniques can be the first line of defense in elevating your ability to cope with treatments and associated stress that can affect they body's performance. There are many forms of relaxation such as meditation, yoga, or walking. Be sure to engage in stress reduction techniques on a regular basis for optimal effect.
Be Mindful
Staying present-focused and mindful can decrease the “what-if” thinking, anxiety, and panic that are ever- present while enduring infertility. Being mindful means to concentrate on what you are doing right now, in the present moment. Whether you are taking a walk, doing the dinner dishes, or working at your office desk; concentrate on your breathing, hear the sounds around you, notice the smells you breathe in, as well as the objects around you such as their shape, color, and texture. Employ your senses and let go of judgments that enter your mind by gently bringing yourself back to being mindful in what you are doing right now.
Talk with Your Partner
Deciding which topics of infertility that you and your partner feel comfortable discussing, as well as when you want to share them with each other, can help you to maintain some balance in your relationship. It will also leave you and your partner time to discuss other topics that are important to you as a couple. Set aside time to discuss important infertility related issues so that the issues do not consume your lives. Perhaps you and your partner can agree to "talk infertility" for a specified amount of time each day, every few days, or once a week. This will allow time for you and your partner to discuss things that were important to you prior to your struggle with infertility.
Limit Obligations
It is important to limit obligations so that you have time to care for yourself, as well as your partner who may also be struggling during infertility. Many times we over commit ourselves by taking on too much as a result of not having the ability to say "no". Remember that it is okay to say "no" to others especially when your ability to cope is less than optimal. If saying "no" is foreign to you, employing this strategy may feel strange at first. However, as you begin to notice your heightened ability to cope because you've been limiting your obligations in order to care for yourself, saying "no" will become easier.
Ease Pain by Compromising
If you are struggling with infertility you are well aware that very real feelings of jealousy and hate may surface when you receive one more baby shower invitation or are obligated to attend social events in the company of your pregnant friends or relatives. However, you can ease your pain by compromising. By first remembering that avoiding pregnant others altogether may be nearly impossible, you can keep your sanity by making a personal deal to be present at an event for a predetermined amount of time. Your 30 minute attendance at an obligatory baby shower will satisfy others in that they feel you've cared about them enough to attend. Your 30 minute attendance will satisfy you in that you've limited the amount of torture you're willing to endure in order to keep your sanity. The bottom line in compromise is that you've satisfied both parties which will feel good to you in the end.
Prioritize Your Life
Infertility and its associated treatments can be overwhelming and time consuming. With the intricate timing of procedures and doctor visits required of the infertility patient, it is important that you set your priorities so that you know whether you're coming or going. Make a daily, weekly, and monthly schedule of your priorities such as doctor appointments, "taking care of me" time, times for communication between you and your partner, date nights, and extra obligations. This will help you to feel more in control of your life while you are in the midst of the uncertainty and lack of control associated with infertility.
Let Go of Pessimism
Let go of negative influences in your life in order to avoid contributing to, what may be, a less than optimal mood due to the demands of infertility. Many times, simply paying attention to the daily tragic media reports, whether you're reading them in the newspaper or watching them on TV, can turn a tolerable day into one fraught with intense emotion. Try not to weigh yourself down with other people’s tragedies at this point in time as you have enough to cope with in your own life.
Reclaim Your Identity
Remember that infertility does not define “you”. Try to remember the many positive traits, qualities, and characteristics that described you prior to your struggle with infertility. You know who you are even though it may be buried deep inside of you right now. Find ways to reclaim the identity that defines who you are. One way to begin to re-connect with yourself is to take some time to make a list of things you enjoyed doing prior to infertility. As you come up with individual items, schedule them into your calendar. As you engage in those things you once enjoyed, the "you" inside will begin to resurface.
Educate Yourself
Know as much as you can about the infertility procedures, moral and ethical decisions you may have to make, as well as the emotional and monetary demands and setbacks you may face while undergoing infertility treatments. By preparing for the decisions you may have to make you can avoid feeling overwhelmed when the issues arise. Search for knowledge from your doctor, as well as outside of your doctor’s office in others who have experienced infertility. Books and websites devoted to infertility can also provide a wealth of information. Knowledge can be empowering in uncertain times.
Seek Support
Talk with others that understand your situation. Whether you’ve met people through your doctor’s office or sought out a support group, having empathy from others can be therapeutic. Infertility can be equated to silent suffering in that you may carry the weight of your struggle on your own. Others in your life may not understand the devastation you are feeling. By sharing your story in a safe environment, with others that do understand, you will feel supported and less isolated.
If you are interested in joining a support group for infertility, please contact me.
Express Yourself
Acknowledge the anger, frustration, and sadness that you feel. Expressing yourself can be therapeutic. There are many ways to express your emotions. Perhaps journal writing may be an effective tool for you to express your feelings. Often, people find that setting aside 10 to 15 minutes per day, at approximately the same time each day, can help them to maintain emotional control throughout daily life.
Set Boundaries From the Beginning
Set boundaries with others so that they know what to expect from you and so that you won’t be caught off-guard in having to deal with difficult situations. During your struggle with infertility, well-meaning family members and friends may freely offer advice or repeatedly wonder about the progression of your treatment. It is okay to tell others who inquire that you will keep them informed of any important developments if and when they arise. When others know ahead of time what to expect from you, they will feel assured that you won’t keep them in the dark in the event that you have important news to share.
Normalize Your Feelings
Feelings are feelings, not good or bad, they just “are”. It is important to refrain from judging those feelings. They arise in you just as the sun comes over the horizon; you have little control over both processes. Try not to waste your time beating yourself up for feeling sad, angry, or frustrated as you need to save that energy for decision making and putting effort into caring for yourself. Feelings are normal. Sadness, anger, and frustration surrounding infertility are normal. Your mental, emotional, and physical selves are enduring trauma right now, of course you’re going to feel.
Get Help
At any point during your struggle with infertility you can receive help in order to cope. There is a large amount of grief involved in undergoing the rigors of infertility. A counselor can help you to deal with grief and loss as well as depression, anxiety, and overwhelming emotions. Inquire about my support groups. Join a group or seek the help of a qualified counselor. Often, just feeling as if you can voice your fears and concerns in the midst of others that understand can be liberating.
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Contact me:
I am happy to answer any questions you may have, or to help you set up an initial consultation. Email me or call 610-866-2777.